Komedi!

boy 1: sabi ng titser namin, nanggaling daw lahat ng tao kay Adan at Eba!
boy 2: sabi sa akin ng tatay ko, nanggaling daw tayo sa Unggoy!
boy 1: excuse me, hindi natin pinaguusapan pamilya mo!

Nakaamoy si Ngongo ng pabango sa isang store.
Sabi ni Ngongo, “Ale, mango!”
Sabi naman ng saleslady, “Pabango ‘yan, hindi alimango!”
Ulit ni Ngongo, “Ale, mango!”
Nag-agawan si Ngongo at ang saleslady sa pabango. Nahulog ang pabango at nabasag.

Sabi ni Ngongo, “Ale, masag!”

props to Eumir!

Usapan ng dalawang mayabang…

Tomas: Panis ka sa aso ko! Tuwing umaga, dala niya ang dyaryo sa akin.
Verzo: Alam ko.
Tomas: Ha!? Paano mo nalaman?!
Verzo: Ikinukuwento sa akin ng aso ko.

nyacheche!

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Usapan ng dalawang bata…

Dodong: Magaling ang tatay ko! Alam mo, ‘yang Pacific Ocean , siya ang humukay nun!
Cocoy: Wala ‘yan sa tatay ko! Alam mo ‘yung Dead Sea ?
Dodong: Oo…
Cocoy: Siya ang pumatay nun!

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Advantage at disadvantage ng may-asawa…

ADVANTAGE: ‘Pag kailangan mo, nandiyan agad.
DISADVANTAGE: ‘Pag ayaw mo na, andiyan pa rin!

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Rodrigo: Bakit bad trip ka?
Harry: Nagtampo sa ‘kin ang utol ko.
Rodrigo: Bakit naman?
Harry: Nakalimutan ko kasi ang birthday niya.
Rodrigo: ‘Yun lang? Anong masama ru’n?
Harry: Ang masama ru’n… twins kami pare! Twins!

Bobo: Pare hulaan mo ugali ko, nagsisimula ng letter A
Pare: Approachable?
Bobo: mali
Pare: Amiable
Bobo: mali pa rin
Pare: o sige, sirit na nga

Bobo: Anest

Lolo: Apo halika nga, pwede bang buhatin mo ako?
Apo: Bakit po ‘lo? San ko po kayo dadalhin? Sa banyo po?
Lolo: Hindi..
Apo: Eh san ho?

Lolo: Ipatong mo ako sa lola mo… hehe.

apo: Halina kayo Lolo at humigop po kayo ng mainit na sabaw. Bagong luto po itong sopas, niluto ko po ito para sa inyo. Mainam po ito para sa inyong kalusugan Lolo, Halina habang mainit pa…

Lolo: FUCK OFF!!!!

Girl 1: Nakipagbreak ka na raw sa boyfriend mo?
Girl 2: Yup! Kakainis kasi, hindi marunong humalik… Hindi lang yun, alam mo ba na isang style lang ang alam nya? Hindi ko talaga feel yung kiss nya!
Girl 1: Style? Ano ba kissing style ng boyfriend mo?

Girl 2: Flying kiss.

nyacheche-eskabeche!

Mister: nakakatakot ang panaginip ko kagabi darling, nakabitin daw ako sa bangin, naka hawak lang ako sa damo..
Misis: Hayop ka! Kaya pala nung nahulog ka sa kama, ang sakit ng bulbol ko hinila-hila mo!

The following is a letter found at a certain bar in
Manila and has been preserved in its original,unedited form.
Enjoy reading and you may try direct translation in Tagalog.
Please read with feelings…

==========================

To Marjie,

I am not surprise or wander why Dennis leave you. Why? What reason you can think about but you’re very fat body. I thought before that Dennis only use me to his toy but sooner and later I’m realize that he really can’t not beared or stomached to be with you anymore because at first, Dennis say he could not stand you’re habit of making pakialam all his walks [lakad] and always calling to their house what he go home or this or that.

And then he say he get ashame to met iether in school or in his family and then asking you to exercise
you’re very very, very fat body. But you hate it. Thoughth your the most preetiest girls he knows about. What do you think you are “Beautiful Girl” of Jose Marie Chan?

Even you are beautiful face (to your think) you do not have the right to called me whatsoever or else different name one time or the other for the real purposed to insults my personality because I’m never call you names ether in the front of Dennis or in the backs of Dennis, but if you start already to calling me different name, I don’t have any other choice but to call you other different name to. Like you are a PIG, FAT, OBESSED, OVERWIGHT, AND UGLY SHAPE girl. Shame to you’re body that is to a BUDING.

You can’t not blame Dennis for exchanging you to me because I am the more sexier than you when you look to us in the mirror.

I’m repeat again that you are like Ike Lozada when she is a girl.

Love,
The Sexiest Girl of D.M.

P.S. You say that I’m the bad breathe but who is Dennis want to kissed. Me or you? You or me? And the final is me. There you go.

i hope this shit’s real!

bf: Mahal may ibibigay ako sa iyo… regalo sa anniversay natin…bagay na bagay siya sa leeg mo…
gf: ano yun honey…. siguro necklace noh? (excited!)
bf: hindi… hulaan mo pa honey…
gf: sirit na nga honey…

bf: panghilod